Difficult Times Have Bad Timing

Finding your passion for tapping into a creative outlet is easier said than done.  Mix that with depression and there is almost a manic cocktail of emotions in each new project idea that cultivates. For me, it has been a rollercoaster of ups and down's taking one thing on and then seeing that enthusiasm slowly decline. In the past ninety days, I have wanted to

  • Learn to play Piano (other than the one song I learned in my few lessons as an eight-year-old)
  • Start running/jogging again so that I can tackle 5K's and more
  • Write a book
  • Start a Blog (success!! you are reading the result of this one)
  • Open a non-profit business to help empower young women when they have had a childhood of abuse
  • Be a better friend and call them more often
  • Be a better wife and work through challenges with Aaron
  • Be a better family member by visiting and calling more 
  • Runaway from everything and everyone and start over in a new place with a new job
  • Die
  • Live above my highest expectations and overcome this darn depression
  • Take salsa dancing lessons
  • Start a podcast
  • Become an online influencer in the depression market (yea, don't sound so happy about it)
  • Start acting again in local theater and film
  • Do yoga every day and get healthy
  • Get a promotion at work or at least feel like I am on the decision-maker level
  • Take up hiking again and venture out into the wilderness at least twice a month

This list is random, don't you think? Welcome to my mind. There are no breaks given here, and if you don't go big, then you better go home. This past week has been full of ups and downs with depression and the challenges of day to day life. With some self-reflection and some honest, raw discussions with my husband Aaron, it has ended up being a terrific week. I know that I am growing in my self-confidence, and we are growing in our marriage.

As good as that all sounds, I awoke this morning to find our thirteen-year-old beagle Vito showing signs that the end is near for him. Seeing him like this is heartbreaking, especially because Vito isn't just any dog. He was there with me through the fall of my first marriage that was riddled with abuse and manipulation. Vito and I barely made it out of that relationship alive, so we have always had a special bond. I know that after Vito passes away, it'll just be me.

The thought breaks my heart down to a pulverized speck of dust. Why can't I keep Vito a little longer? Like another 13 years or maybe the rest of my life? I tried to take a selfie with Vito today when I realized that we don't have many recent pictures together. I now see that he has been going downhill in age for some time now, and I couldn't see it because as his dog mom, I saw him through rose-colored glasses. When I started to take a new, more recent selfie with Vito, I smiled in the first image, and immediately after I saw his face, my smile fell. Life is precious, and Vito has been my treasure. So thankful to God for putting Vito in my life, and part of me feels some comfort in giving him back.

Life doesn't wait for a good time for some things to happen. They just happen, and this is such a hard day on top of other major events. Today I was scheduled for my first "virtual audition" for a part in a local college film series for senior projects. I decided to put in for it when I was exploring the things that made me happy. I feel alive and fearless when I can perform. Not to mention I have a best-supporting actress award for my performance every day acting like a normal happy person all the darn time. I also have a best child actress award for getting through my childhood without anyone knowing the full extent of trauma I had to overcome. 

So, here I go, and if I fall on my face, well, at least I gave it a try. The thought of learning a part and playing it out in a role or as a voice is so exciting to me. My virtual audition was at 1 pm today, and I didn't see or read the script until I was on the Zoom meeting. Insert the panic-stricken emoji smiley-face here, because that was what my gut was screaming at me during that very moment. I read the script on the screen while looking at the camera for the first time and felt like a silly blonde robot for the first script. And I had no idea what my facial expressions were or if my face was even entirely in view of the camera. 

I swallowed my fear and pressed on to the next scripts. For one skit, I even used my cell phone as a prop for the "concerned 40-something mother on the phone" character. Did I do a good job? Only time will tell, and I should hear something by the end of the month after final auditions on the 26th. 

If I don't get the part, that's alright because I had lots of fun doing it and I'm already off to the next audition. No waiting by the phone for this girl! The next audition I am applying for is called "It's All Been Done Radio Hour" here in Columbus, Ohio. Wish me luck!

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